Gonstead, Board Reviews, 4th Wedding Reception

[Holding at Day 458]

We had our Gonstead final this morning. 10 pages written. It was my choice to go to Minnesota this past weekend but, it was not a choice without consequences.

Prior to leaving for Minnesota, I had an 83% average during our first four days of class. In the four days after getting back from Minnesota my average was 48%. So, I went from a very respectable B (just shy of a B+) to nearly 20 points below an F.

That sucks

Makes me feel pretty crappy about myself.

Mondays test was one of the hardest, emotionally, and I just felt like a worthless piece of sh*t while taking that exam.

Today, I just wanted to crumple up my exam like that guy did on Shawshank Redemption when he threw it in the trash and said, "There's your two points!"

Then I thought (again) of Chevy Chase's Las Vegas Vacation when the blackjack dealer recommended "buying a bullet and renting a gun"

So, my thoughts are kinda in the crapper. I've wondered, from an academic perspective why all my anger and violent type thoughts are directed towards my head. From the beginning of Tri-7 the thoughts have oscillated between

1. wanting to flush my head down the toilet
2. shooting myself in the head
3. chopping off my head
4. stabbing myself in the temple with my pen (that was a new thought formed today while taking the Gonstead final)

I do recall various personality disorders and remember a distinction between those wackos who might hurt other people and those wackos that would only hurt themselves. I guess I would fall into the latter category.

As far as benefits of heading to MN, I know my Dad was happy and I got to take some pictures of my Mom with her brother so, in that regard, I'd probably do it again.

I still may have passed the Gonstead class but, given the diminished self perception over the preceding trimester, I really could have used something positive with regards to school.

oh well. .....

let's see, i've already driven about 84 miles today so I guess I'll start my next 50 miles to work ....then 50 miles home ....184 miles today alright - ....yeah ....this is going to work out well. ..... :(